Video game review; spiral knights

Pros; Low system requirements make it netbook-friendly; Great mix of bullet hell and classic dungeon crawl; genuinely charming and whimsical presentation; fun for all ages; many original ideas; pretty much the whole experience is available for free users.

Cons; Netcode occasionally results in cheap deaths and total unplayability; bad music; potential for bomberman-style puzzles is wasted

YMMV; Only way to level with any speed is to join a guild; if the word "whimsical" gives you hives run far, far away

I never made it onto the economy-sized bandwagon that was 3 rings' "Puzzle Pirates" - I am currently reconsidering that decision, but not very hard. Playing puzzle pirates would take time from my Spiral Knights experience. While a glaring demonstration of three rings' weaknesses, Spiral Knights nonetheless demands your immediate attention.

Like its predecessor, Spiral knights is about taking some existing game genres, throwing them in a blender, ans pushing the "puree" button to make a tasty mix before garnishing them with some original ideas. In this case, the genres in question are MMORPG, bullet hell, brawler, and hack-and-slash dungeon crawl (think Baldur's Gate: DA on ps2). Character creation is a purely visual affair; pick some parts for your knight (think bionicles, only cuter) and, after a brief tutorial on how to smack foes with a sword, shoot them with a pistol, and throw status-inducing potions at them, you're off to explore the town of Haven (where you buy and/or make items) and the Clockwork, the giant dungeon complex in the bowels of the planet where you you do your monster-smiting and loot-collecting.

Since your "character" is for all intents and purposes a robot, there is no real concept of "leveling up". Instead, foes drop pickups called "heat", which level your _items_. Advancement and success is always a tradeoff between buying a new item for its power and/or buffs/debuffs and keeping old but high-level gear. In theory, this means free always-available respec. In addition to your weapons and armor, you have a shield, which blocks a given amount of damage before dying until the end of the map. Two weapon slots can be filled with items of your choosing, so you can go in with two guns or two swords. This is the extent of your tactical options, and the major reason quick leveling via solo play is almost impossible.

In addition to heat, enemies drop items for weapon crafting (purchasable blueprints required) and coins for buying the selfsame weapons. Death is relatively cheap; every day players start with 100 "air energy" which is depleted for revives at the rate of 2x the last revive cost (2 to start, then 4, then 8...). Energy and in-game currency is the only thing that can be bought or sold for real money; everything else is charged in game.

The major other pickup type is crystals, which is where the major strategic element comes in; these come in large columns of various colors that you must beat on to produce smaller rocks that you can collect. Each player on the map may carry one crystal, and the max party size is four. Upon returning to the arcade (the dungeon departure point) players may approach closed dungeons and open them with the crystals. The color of the crystals used determines the creature types and relevant weaknesses to be found in the dungeon when it opens. This allows the smart guild to level exponentially faster by tailoring the dungeon to the weapons at hand.

Unfortunately, three rings has little experience with online action and it shows. The netcode is disturbingly unstable; foes travel off the map with practiced ease and player characters ping-pong around the stage with wild abandon. This turns a potentially thrilling dungeon-crawl into a hair-tearing mess, especially when you've died a few times and are starting to run out of energy. Nor are the maps, which feature a variety of switches and block types, anything to write home about. Some of the switch-based puzzles are fun, but the bocks are used without any rhyme or reason whatsoever, which is puzzling from a developer as famous as three rings for its puzzle savvy. Whether this is because the maps are instanced or general lack of experience, it nonetheless represents a giant missed opportunity.

Like the much-lauded Brink, Spiral Knights is a game full of great ideas that collapse through botched execution. Play it in small doses until the netcode is fixed, then go forth with your guildmates and conquer the clockwork

Open Letter to The Tea Party Movement

Dear Tea Party Animals

You are not helping. Please stop.

Don't get me wrong. Like you, I don't enjoy paying my taxes. Like you, I wish people were smart enough not to text while driving, or obey the speed limit without being ticketed, or refrain from committing massive financial fraud without the threat of massive jail time, or refrain from drinking pepsi without being taxed and bullied. In short, I enjoy having a government no more than you do. Unfortunately, people are assholes and idiots. So it looks like we're gonna need this government thing a while longer.

And taking away all its money, like you seem to want to do, makes it suck much more. Our civil servants come to work every day knowing that a goodly percentage of the people they serve want to kill them. Do you really think that on-the-job performance will improve if we pay them less?

It's time to grow up. This is the government we have, and we cannot fix it by breaking it or starving it. Please let us pass the health care bill so that if you ever find yourself in a hospital with more sick than money, we don't have to pay for your ungrateful ass.

PS - To my catholic friends

Don't get me wrong. I love you guys. Your religion has contributed some of the greatest art, music, and philosophy that "western civilization" has to offer. I love you, even though you eat the flesh and drink the blood of your god every Sunday (and they call us Jews weird). But you seriously need to stop telling the rest of us what to do with our tax money until you tie all your child-molester-enabling bishops to one big stake and burn them.